Someone from my coaching community recently made a joke that I have two lives: one as a sexuality coach, on the frontier of revolution of women reclaiming their power and pleasure, connected to the passionate movement of hundreds of similar badass coaches worldwide, creating positive impact on the world, bringing awareness, learning and growing my business every day. Another life as a single mom of four, and whatever else I’ve got going on in that pretty conventional life lol.
To be completely honest, I was a little bit shocked at this reflection at first, as more than anything, I strive to be authentic and a woman of integrity. As I let this observation sink in, I realized it’s so true.
You see, I have been keeping these two lives pretty separate. My children never really met my sister coaches or my peeps from trauma trainings I took. I work and travel mostly around my visitation schedule. And I certainly, have been keeping a pretty low profile in my local community about what’s really going on in my mind and heart, even as I’ve been pouring countless hours, days, weeks, months in my trainings and practices. Trying to keep things as peaceful as possible in my children’s community, post what could only be described a very contentious divorce, and in line with agreement of “leading separate lives” as much as possible, I haven’t been super vocal or transparent about neither tremendous struggle I’ve gone through dealing with PTSD and trauma post betrayal in my marriage, as well as supporting my daughters through transition of separation and divorce. Let’s be real too, this kind of transition takes family years to adjust to, and in the age of “get over it, be positive, get back on the horse”, there isn’t necessarily organic natural spaces in our modern lives to transparently process feelings and trauma, share genuinely and receive ongoing support around these kind of issues. At least, I haven’t seen it gracefully done outside of very private spaces.
That said, I’d call myself a support manifestation ninja. From the very moment I sat on the couch, after my very young children were in bed, me breathing like a person who’s just had a stroke, splitting headache, stiff neck, black hole swallowing me, not sure how to go on with my life and having zero resources left in my body to address it, on the day I learned about my now ex-husband’s lies and adultery, realizing my closest family was a few thousand miles away in Russia, I didn’t exactly know who to call in this situation I was presented with. Going down a list of contacts, that night I learned the difference between having support that helps and sustains, or so called support that drains and can literally push you over the edge of the abyss, and not in a good way. This wisdom came in handy over the years that followed.
That night on the couch was the end of many of my dreams and illusions and a beginning of me reclaiming my power as a woman and human being. You couldn’t say I was much different if you looked from outside for quite a while. I kept on fixing snacks, showing up for my children’s activities, dropping my children off at preschool, taking them to pediatrician, you name it. I hired a babysitter to watch my babies (who’s still with me all these years since), so I could attend individual and couples therapy. It took some time before I started carving out more and more space in my life for me. As my marriage continued to be a source of toxic stress and trauma, no matter how committed I was to help that situation, and as I was spread so thin carrying out majority of parenting responsibilities, I poured more and more of my heart and passion into my personal growth and learning. Eventually, I found mentors, and sisters to walk the journey with, and it’s grown into a glorious journey indeed.
Of course, everything I was absorbing in my “secret” life was leaking out into my “mom” life. I was transforming from a stressed out mom into a fun and radiant one. From an overweight exhausted woman, I evolved into a babe who adores herself and dances in the kitchen, which in turn affected the way my daughters carry themselves. My new found stellar emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills translated into continuous sibling rivalry and squabbles change into deep and authentic connection within the family. The more love I poured into my broken heart, life and home, the more it bloomed all around me.
I still lead a double life lol. And there are reasons for it of course. We thrive and express ourselves fully in support and safety. When we are met with criticism by our families as children or partners (ex-partners too) later in life, most likely we’ll shrink and hide parts of ourselves, at least from them. Sometimes, it is absolutely crucial that we hide for our mere survival. Often if becomes an unconscious habit and we continue on hiding and compartmentalizing different parts of ourselves and our lives into separate boxes, even when it no longer serves us, maybe even harms us at this point. We do it because we lost awareness, it’s become automatic. We do it because it works, even if it’s far from perfect.
Powerful sensual divas of women show up as lifeless little girls in bed, just getting through it. Men who understand power of commitment, consistent and massive action in their work, mission and purpose, play small and flake out in their romantic relationships or are avoiding the subject all together, because it’s too painful, and instead just stay lonely. We hide our gifts and take jobs that don’t fulfill us, as it’s familiar and therefore safe. We stay in financial situations that don’t match our objective reality. There are so many ways to lead a double life!
I’m not here to judge you. As an obvious double-lifer myself, I am the last person to cast a stone at you.
I am committed to keep at it though, creating, integrating, until I have ONE beautiful life, and it’s glorious. What about you? What part of your life are you putting in a separate box? Where in your life are you incongruent and out of integrity with yourself? How is it working out for you? DM me if you’re fed up and ready to let someone in on your secret. I’m offering a few discovery calls we could get you some clarity on. If you are not quite there, no worries at all, let’s have some fun anyways. If you feel inspired, drop me a gif to illustrate a double life you or someone you know lead. And go…