One of the most useful tools to employ with narcissistic behaviors is grey rocking (yellow rocking recommended if you have children together, which basically means using a more friendly sounding tone in your emails, for the sake of appearing as a cooperative parent in the eyes of a family court and being strategic regarding custody matters).
Grey rocking is about making yourself be like a grey rock: invisible, uninteresting, unresponsive when faced with narcissistic behaviors such as manipulation, control, narcissistic rage, triangulation. However, what is often missed in grey rock method descriptions is that grey rock is also solid, un-movable. We know if we give narcissist an inch, they take a mile. Holding our ground, our boundaries, low key, but steadily, like a solid rock, without giving a narcissist additional ammunition against us, is what will eventually bore them to death and hopefully will implore them to leave you alone. There are much easier targets out there. Be a grey rock, but don’t just be invisible, be steady and solid.
When we combine understanding of our nervous system with embodying grey rock method, is when we go to the next level.
How do the challenging narcissistic behaviors affect you?
Do you get fired up yourself and flip into fight and flight? Or do you freeze and collapse? You can focus on different aspect of grey rock depending on your answers. Grounding down and practicing being silent might be what you need if you tend to get into the fire with a narcissist.
If you tend to freeze and collapse, squaring your shoulders and holding a solid stance (without aggression) can help you remain more “online”.
As with any tool, remember it’s about practice, not perfection. Don’t go down the rabbit hole of guilt or shame if you didn’t grey rock perfectly. You are human. You can’t control a narcissist with grey rock method either, it’s a method of protection, not control.
Please understand, if this is first time you try to hold boundaries or grey rock, a narcissist might escalate their behaviors. Typically, after some time, if you don’t budge, they will get bored and move on.
Doing deep inner work on yourself if you keep getting into the fire with a narcissist, even as you know better, might be warranted. In fact, get as much support as possible for you, if you are walking this path.
How masterful are you with grey and yellow rocking? Is it working for you?
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