Are you stuck on the treadmill of reliving the same relationship patterns like a Groundhog Day that ends with momentary relief only to start all over again? Whether you are reliving the same situation in a romantic arena, dating the same man/woman over and over again; having friendships that eventually play out the similar (unsatisfactory way); experiencing repeated issue in work partnerships; or continuously feeling undervalued, rejected, excluded, etc. in family life; feel like you finally made some progress with someone, only to get back to square one, it could be very disheartening to feel like you are going in circles and never getting anywhere, no matter how much you are trying to improve or how hard you try.
Whatever your particular undesirable pattern is, it’s important to acknowledge that relationships are perfect containers and invitations for growth and healing, and it’s often precisely in discomfort and pain that we are most motivated to take action to overcome what otherwise would be easily ignored. That said, patterns that tend to repeat themselves generally require something beyond applying willpower to getting better, working harder, trying more, etc. that might work in other challenges.
You see, we engage in undesirable repeated relationship patterns when we have blind spots, when we disowned parts of ourselves, when we developed styles of relating in order to fit in and to survive. When we don’t see something, we just don’t see it. It could be maddening trying to put our finger on something invisible. We don’t like to feel powerless, so we get busy taking action that makes us feel like we are doing something, and it might offer temporary relief, however it doesn’t address the issue.
The truth is that we are wired for connection. We long to belong. From the moment we are conceived, we are dependent on other human beings to provide protection and sustenance, physical, emotional, and in every each way. When our needs are not met in some way early in life (and most of us had endured some sort of challenge, whether we are aware of it or not), we are often lacking resources to fully integrate and process what went on. Being resilient beings that we are, we adapt and learn to cope, without so much as understanding what we are doing, and put simply it just becomes a part of how we show up in the world. We develop unconscious habits and attitudes, we notice in the outside world what we carry inside without knowing or owning it, and only realize something is off when things don’t go our way. Of course, it’s not helpful to stop here and simply accept that this is our situation and resign ourselves to it. Nor I advocate for continuously rehashing our difficult pasts and finding more and more problems there. It’s too easy to go down that rabbit hole never to be seen again in the light of day.
There’s another way. Being trained as a coach in integrative method, in my work with clients I focus on their goals and desires. I look at blocks and problems only when they present a challenge, in order to resolve it and move past it, so the client can have a type of relationship, sexuality or goal in life that they long for. Much is said about importance of mindset, and I am a big believer that mindset is super key in getting where we want to go. However, another big piece that is often unaddressed is that we may carry unconscious patterns as blocks and tensions in our bodies, which would require going under the story, in our emotions or even down to the level of our physical sensations. Where our minds tend to connect the dots and make rational sense of whatever is known to us, our bodies are like innocent children are much more straightforward and bad at lying or rather good at telling the truth. Using laser focused tools and applying breath, sound and movement in specific ways, an experienced integrative coach helps to clear residue of unconscious patterns, coping mechanisms or conditioning that outlived their use. This in combination with exercises to aid literally rewiring your brain and psyche with updated relationship programming would produce results that surpass years of beating your head against the wall and trying harder.
If you are tired of blaming your ex or your parents for your current situation, or tired of feeling like maybe that’s all that is available for you, that not many people want what you want, that it’s become rare, etc. I invite you to look around you for proof of people that overcame similar scenarios. I applaud you for having awareness that you are repeating an undesirable pattern you want to change and honor you for reading this post so far. I urge you to reach inward for courage to share your struggle and longing and desire for more. I am still offering free discovery sessions as a way to research for my coaching business. If you type ‘yes’ or leave me an emoji in comments or private message, I’ll reach out to schedule a 30-minute call with you absolutely free, with no strings attached whatsoever. In fact, I’ll be beyond grateful to have this conversation with you, as each frank talk about what really is a struggle and desire I have with others, the better I can show up for my clients and serve and help them find freedom to get off relationship treadmill, and create the life, relationships and sexuality they desire. This is my mission and my path and I’m passionate and on fire to do my darnest. Happy relating and shine on!