I’m going to drop some difficult truths here.
Working on yourself does not guarantee that your marriage or relationship succeeds.
Quite the opposite.
I’ve been talking to quite a few women and relating to so much of what they are sharing.
These women were so committed to improve themselves for their partners that they took real steps and efforts to grow and heal their issues, so they could show up better in their relationships.
Guess what happened instead?
These particular women grew more healthy and empowered, started seeing things for what they are and discovered that their marriages were shams.
They realized they were not the problem. Some of them understood they were being gaslighted and abused emotionally, financially, you name it. Some of these women started standing up for themselves and in some cases control in their marriages escalated to physical violence. All these marriages since ended.
Does it sound terrifying? Imagine this could happen to you!
Good news is that every one of these women is doing 1000% better than ever. They wish their husbands made different choices, but not one of them regrets for a second setting out on the path of growth. In fact, they are fully committed to the growth mindset and only are open to partners and friendships that fully honor them in who they are striving to become.
Do all marriages and relationships end once one of partners decides to work to better themselves? Of course, not. Can partners, children, family and friends show resistance and fear to changes you are making? You bet. This is where your growth support system is a must, if you want to make sustainable long-lasting changes.
Putting in effort to improve only to be met with criticism, resistance, fear and sometimes even rage from your closest people can feel completely disheartening. This is where lots of us give up. Of course, the opposite happens as well. If we are able to enlist our peeps in our vision and support us, not only ourselves, but our marriages and families can transform for the better as well.
You see, not all relationships are meant to last. There could be truly toxic people in our circle that are so entrenched in their own fear and scarcity, that for them to see you grow and step into your personal power as individual might seem completely terrifying. These folks would go to any lengths to pull you down to make themselves feel more comfortable. If they can’t, they might blow up and leave you, and of course blame you for it too.
I’ve gone through massive personal transformation over the past 5 years. I was struggling as an exhausted mom and wife and simply reading books and watching youtube videos just wasn’t giving me relief or answers I was looking for.
Literally few months after I reached out to a mentor to get personal 1:1 support, my eyes opened to a fact that my marriage was a big fat lie. Even though I started out to get support to get better as a wife, mother and a person, because being a woman and conditioned to take responsibility, I naturally assumed I was the problem, what I discovered was truly shocking. Although, I had plenty of issues I could work on and grow and get better at, there were far more glaring problems that were affecting me in a very negative way, that I simply didn’t see, cause I was so busy looking for my own faults. Don’t get me wrong, these were very difficult, traumatic truths to discover. This was also a beginning of incredible journey to myself, light and true love. I never for a minute regretted any of my choices. I now feel more like myself, more empowered, beautiful, happy and fulfilled than I ever felt possible. My relationship with myself and my children soared. Many unfulfilling one-way friendships ended. I also met and truly connected with many incredible people. Of course, I have my struggles and life is not easy. Yet, I am night and day from that confused, resentful and unhappy woman I was, who was trying to fix so hard what was so “wrong with her”. I am truly excited for what’s yet to come.
What I found surprising though, is how my story is not unique at all. I heard of so many women reaching out to better themselves for their partners and families, only to discover to their shock that their partners don’t want them to improve; that the very fact of them becoming healthier and stronger women blows up their marriages and highlights how messed up, disempowering and toxic their marriages really are. Sadly, many men and women would rather live a lie and do anything to keep status quo to keep their marriages going. The price they pay is high. John Gottman, world famous relationship expert and creator of a love lab, conducted extensive scientific research on relationships in his 40 years of clinical practice. He concludes that toxic relationships affect our immune system in very adverse ways. When asked what advice he would have given his younger self, John Gottman replied with “Get out of bad relationships sooner”.
I’d love to hear what you think. How important is personal growth and living your best life to you? If it came down to a choice between keeping your marriage together, no matter how unhappy, or being fully expressed best version of yourself, what would you do? Or what choice have you already made? And what if you could not only transform yourself, but your marriage to incredible highs, what would it be worth it to you?
I am continuing to conduct research for my coaching business and still have a few spots left for 1:1 discovery calls. These are about 30 minutes long, absolutely free, opportunities to reflect on your current desires, dreams and goals in relationships, life and sexuality, as well as struggles you are facing in reaching these goals. Comment or DM me, and I’ll reach out to set one up this week. Have a great weekend!