Have you ever tried sharing something with a friend or a partner and before you even finished the sentence you were offered a solution? Did you thank them dearly and said, oh my gosh, I never thought of this, what would have I done without you. This might have happened this way, but even more likely, you might find yourself feeling irritated, disconnected and even shut down, because you were not looking for a fix. You wanted to share your experience, you wanted to express your feelings, possibly you wanted to actually work through the situation in the presence of other while you arrive to the solution yourself and get to know yourself better in the process. Can you relate? Or maybe you were the one doling out advice. You felt so good about yourself coming up with a quick solution to the problem just a minute ago, and now you are feeling pissed off, because your friend, lover, child is being ungrateful and just won’t see how right you are. You make themselves wrong for not listening and can’t wait for them to feel sorry they didn’t.
As women especially we are told in so many subtle and direct ways by culture, families and well meaning others how our bodies, feelings and sexuality are wrong, how we are incapable, illogical, weak, unable, hysterical and something is fundamentally wrong with us. The biggest gift a woman can get is being validated that she is indeed normal, perfectly fine, exquisite in fact, in her emotion range and ability to feel deeply, her access to intuition and logic, her capacity to be incredibly energetic one day and create something magnificent out of nothing, while feeling low and needing rest another day for no visible reason.
The more I see advice doled out without full understanding preceding it (and don’t get me wrong, ladies, I’ve done it myself, no one is perfect, right?), the more I realize how being with our human vulnerability and that of others takes a different kind of courage and resiliency. One can be a warrior woman, slay opponents and enemies, as well as insurmountable challenges, yet crumble in the face of intimacy. Ultimately, we all at some point experience a helpless state. Whether it is witnessing your child’s pain and knowing you can’t simply take it away or feel it for them, or watching a friend go through cancer or abusive relationship. The bottom line is we are vulnerable as humans. Bad things happen to good people. It is a difficult truth to hold. In fact, it takes a whole lot of emotional maturity to be in the presence of pain and darkness and not make the person experiencing it wrong for it somehow. Especially, if we have unhealed part of ourselves, and fundamentally feel insecure and scared, we might cling to the truth that if we just do everything right, or if another person just takes our advice, we all would be safe and well. Being able to just be there with open heart and compassion and see another person as a powerful human being is one of the most badass things one can ever do.
I no longer follow teachers that just tell me what to do.
I long for wisdom and sharing of real life experiences.
I long for relationships where people are so committed to their growth, which lies not only in studying great, but more importantly in facing their own darkness. People that see me as a powerful being even as I might not see myself as such in the moment and reflect it back to me.
The better my boundaries become, the less often I can get kicked off balance by unsolicited advice. The more I am grounded in my truth, the more I see it for what it is: fear and ego.
The more I find my way back to wholeness, the more I recognize others who see me as whole. I am a person with history and there are things that happened to me. I bear scars and have vulnerabilities. I am not wrong for it. The more I know myself and own every part of me, the more I see that I’m already whole and always have been whole.
I want to help every woman find their way back to their truth. I want to create safety and space for us all to be ourselves as we are right now and hold vision for each other where we are right now and hold vision for each other where we are already our best selves. This is how we connect, this is how we relate authentically, this is how we experience intimacy and create real bonds.